Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
