I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
