So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
