mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
