Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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