Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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