You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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