I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
