News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
