last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
