Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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