I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
