I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
