All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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