I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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