I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
