i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
