i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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