Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
