I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i think i scared a bird with my dick
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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