you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
