when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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