oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
