I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
