I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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