I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
