If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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