my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
