Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
