The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
