hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
