My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize