Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
