Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
