Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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