i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
