i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize