He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
we're making bets on your personal life
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
