my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
