I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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