You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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