he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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