I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
