Kareoke will never be a sober sport
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
