six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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