Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
