I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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