I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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