I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
