I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
