i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
