You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
