I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
