you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize