I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
