Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
whose parrot is this?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
