worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
