loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
