Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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