Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
