I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
