I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
no more duck duck goose at the bar
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize