I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
