he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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