I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
