Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
