I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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