I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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