Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
