why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i now understand why vodka
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
